the fourteenth week

You have cheeks this week and are about 80 to 93 mm from crown to rump.

We started our trip on Wednesday, 27 December. We drove for about five to six hours in drizzle. We arrived in the cool mountain-side restaurant feeling very hungry and ordered our food straight away. We ate baked fish with yummy spicy sauce, some stir fried green vegetable, satay, and hot fluffy rice. Then we checked in to the next door resort for a night stay.

The next day, we continued our journey to my grandparents’ house. We had our dinner first before getting to their house.

Meeting your great grandparents was always a source of joy for me and your aunties. We arrived at their house at about 9 pm. Hugs and kisses and long talks into the night followed. In the morning, your grand-aunt came with her two daughters and we had a great time chatting till afternoon.

Today, the whole family from your grandma’s side came and gathered at a restaurant to celebrate your great grandma 80th birthday. Only 3 of my cousins could not make it to come, the rest of us were there. We had lunch, some games, and exchange of gifts. I think your great grandma really enjoyed the party.

There I met a cousin who was seven month pregnant. She said the baby was predicted to be a girl. The baby will be four months older than you, darling. I looked at her and see my future in her. I will be that big in a few months time! And honestly, I could not wait to be that big and to have you come out!

the 13th week

Christmas is coming! This will be your first and last Christmas in the womb, dearest! I hope everything is going on well with you in the womb and hope you’ll have fun this Christmas! Exactly on the 25th December, your maternal grandparents will celebrate their 25th Anniversary! Nice numbers, right? Your grandma is planning to have a photo taking session in white tops and blue jeans with the whole family members. Then we’ll have a nice dinner. We still have not decided on the place, but I really hope both of your grandparents will enjoy the whole thing. We also prepared a photo album for the gift. I hope we can finish the album in time. Gees, I used a lot of ‘hope’ in this paragraph.

Next week, we’ll go to your great grandparents’ house. A ten-hour car drive and we’ll have fun on the 31st December to celebrate your great grandma’s 80th birthday. This year is full of celebration, isn’t it?

You’ll be in your 14th week next week and I’m expecting to be able to feel your movement!

Sometimes it feels very strange to write to someone who’s residing in your own womb right now. So close, yet I still can’t feel you or see you. Can you feel me if I touch my tummy? Can you feel your daddy if he pokes? Or your aunt when she vibrates my tummy? Well, I don’t think you can remember that when you are reading this letter. Anyway, God bless you dear Child. Have a nice Christmas inside there!

week twelve

Dearest Child,

Your twelfth week has just ended and the second trimester is starting soon. We spent two nights in your grandparents’ house again on Thursday and Friday nights. I got a sudden craving for cut fruits with sauce of mashed green chilly with brown Javanese sugar and salt. On the last four to five days, I felt very gassy in the stomach. I kept on burping and that was not very nice. Friday morning, your grandma suggested for me to get a full body massage to get rid of the wind. So instead of going to office, I stayed at home, enjoying a full body massage (by a professional massager) and having a nice afternoon nap.

Sunday afternoon, we went to a big mall in the city. Your dad wanted to meet his high school friend and I wanted to buy some underwear for the pregnancy. My tummy is getting bigger and bigger every time I look at myself in the mirror. I hope the growing size is normal.

Oh, and the nausea is disappearing and my food intake increases by a little bit.

Yesterday, we are supposed to attend my senior high school friend’s wedding party. But I was still feeling gassy and a bit tired. The evening gown that fitted and looked rather acceptable was still a bit tight and made me difficult to breathe. So we canceled coming and had a nice rest instead.

This week we also watched our wedding DVD and I am still glad we have gone through that! I enjoyed the marriage much more than the wedding. Well, maybe because I’m not the partying kind. Anyway, that was the official start of our family. Have you watched the wedding DVD? What do you think of your younger parents in the wedding outfit?

loved

I was feeling tired last night and decided not to go to office this morning. So I stayed at home, do some washing and cleaning, planning to order delivery for lunch. And suddenly, about an hour to lunchtime, my father called and said that he was coming and my mother had already prepared lunch for me. And yes he came, and we ate lunch together here. Apparently, daddy had something to do around here today and he told mom that he might be able to drop by for lunch. So mom prepared lunch for me too, just like what she has done for years since I was in the first grade. Since I got married, spending time with the parents and the sisters has been something like a luxury for me. I'm not taking them for granted anymore.

I'm in the eleventh week of my pregnancy now and waiting impatiently to see the doctor on Saturday morning. Seeing the doctor = seeing the ultrasound machine = getting a glimpse of Wowy and that excites both of us. I hope this time he print the picture.

I am still wondering if I can be as good mother as my mom to Wowy. *sigh* There should be some subjects on how to be a good mother in university!

week eleven

Wowy dearest,

All your vital organ have been perfectly made by now, they continue to grow in volume. By the end of this week, you will be twice your length in the previous week. Half of that length will be your head.

In your eyes, the irises started to develop. By the end of this week, the inner side of your ears will be completed.

We can now count your fingers and you are already able to swallow, yawn, and suck.

I am still experiencing sudden waves of nausea, but definitely better than the first weeks. My tummy is getting bigger, but the last time I weighed myself (which is about three days ago), I am still 49 kg. I used to be 50 - 52 kg.

I keep on wondering about your activity inside there. Sometimes when I was not careful in moving myself, I got worried about you inside there. I hope you are a strong baby there...

This week, daddy started to play jazzy Christmas songs and Christmas is indeed coming!!! Your daddy is a great companion for pregnant mother. You should be proud of him from inside there, little child. :)

Today I did not go to your grandpa's office, I felt that I need some rest. And your dearest grandpa came and brought me lunch (cooked by your grandma, of course). Everything was prepared well, and we had soup plus some fried beef to eat with warm rice for lunch. I really think that the three of us should stay in their house for at least a month after you were born, so that you can taste their love and great care too. :)

I'm getting something to eat for both of us now, darling. Love you.

the tenth week

Dearest Child,

I am in my tenth week of my pregnancy, and that makes you about seven to eight weeks old by now. In two weeks time, I'll be done with my first trimester, and you will start to grow bigger and bigger and bigger.

Monday, I started to go to your grandfather's office to 'work'. Actually to learn about the business while helping him in any way I can. Your grandmother said that the labor will be easier if I keep being active during the pregnancy. And when I get busy, without I know it, nine months will pass and you will be outside my womb! Your grandmother made lunch for your father and I yesterday and today, she made dinner. Both of your grandmother are great mothers, I hope I can be like that for you too, darling.

I still don't know your gender, and a lot of people still think that you were a boy. Sometimes, I pictured my self, older, and walking or talking with a young man, my son. But sometimes I thought about playing with a little girl too. Curious as I am, I will be equally happy with whatever gender you have. The name candidates for now is Derrick and Vincent for a boy. We haven't had our selections for a girl.

Really could not wait for the next check up (which is in two weeks time) and oops! I just remembered that I have not taken the vitamin for today!!! Anyway, yeah, I really wanted to see you in the ultrasound scan next two weeks.

You have a nice day today in my womb, baby dearest.

almost ten weeks

This week, you will grow really fast. This is according to a book by Professor Stuart Campbell, "Watch Me Grow!" The book is full of 3D baby pictures inside the womb, taken by 3D ultrasound scan. So, your father and I can roughly imagine what you look like every week inside the womb.

In the ninth week, your look is already resembled a baby. Your back is straightened and your neck is formed. Your tail (yes, you had a tail once!) will start to disappear and your arms and legs grow longer with an amazing speed. You start having a nose too. From your crown till your butt, you are measured about 22-30mm.

Then in the tenth week, you grow longer, now your length from head to butt increased to 31-42mm. Your brain develops very fast so your head looks much bigger now compared to your other body parts. Your eyes and nose can be seen clearly, but your eyelids are still stuck and will not be opened till a few months later. Twenty little teeth-to-be start to form inside your gum. Your fingers are formed too. And your legs measured about 2.5mm.

Your nerves can now receive signals and most of your internal organ has started to function. Your heart has reached its final form and beats 140 times a minute. Your lungs, stomach, and intestines are still growing. The kidneys start to move to its final position too.

Pregnancy is a miracle, I'd say. A journey together with the Creator to make a new human being inside my own body. Your growth fascinates me and your father. And the understanding that every single human being is made this way, remind us of how special each and everyone of us is. Dearest child, we love you.

For now, I could not feel your presence yet, I could only feel the indicators like the waves of nausea. You are already moving around inside me now, it's just that you are still too small for me to notice the movement. I could not wait to feel your moves and your kicks, darling.

It's an hour past noon now, and raining softly outside. I'm going to have my lunch now. *hugs*

three hearts beating

When I lie down on the bed yesterday, I thought about us.

There are three hearts beating on this bed now, instead of the usual two.

And I felt love serenaded me to sleep, beside my husband, and holding my dear baby tightly in my womb.

the first nine weeks

Dearest Wowy,

Our counting was based on LMP (Last Menstruation Period) count. So the nine weeks started on the first day of my last menstrual period, that was 18 September 2005. You was not created until about the third week. I feel the need to explain this because we just got married for about seven weeks. You were made straight away. I think you are our wedding gift from our dear God.

We found out about your existence on Sunday, 23 October 2005, after a day of nausea and two test packs. We confirmed it once again the next morning with another test pack. We've told your grandparents and aunties right away, though. They were surprised and excited, but not as surprised and excited as both of us, of course! Your three youngest aunties have started kissing my tummy everytime I was going to leave from their home. And they constantly send their love over sms and phone too, until now! I'm sure they are going to be more excited once my tummy started to grow bigger and bigger and bigger.

Monday, 31 October 2005 was our first check up. We waited for an hour for the doctor even though we were the first patients. We spent the waiting time chatting about you and about pregnant mothers around us. Then the doctor came, apparently he had just delivered a baby upstairs. We gave him short introduction about us and about you and the doc asked me to be scanned. The doctor congratulated us the first time he saw the ultrasound scan monitor, "Yes, this is definitely pregnant and we had it in line with your information". We went out beaming proudly. This was our first time being a parent-to-be, so you can imagine the excitement.

Your father had a "lebaran" holiday from Monday, 31 October, all the way to Wednesday, 9 November. And I fell sick with runny nose and slight fever during that holiday. Both sets of your grandparents and aunties came for a whole day to help your father taking care of me. Your father was very sweet and caring throughout, and I am very thankful having him as a husband. Everyone, including me, was worried about you when I was sick. I really hope it did not affect you in any negative way, dear.

The end of your seventh week was spent in your mother-side grandparents' house, we stayed a night there because your youngest aunt had her 17th birthday on the next day, Monday, 14 November. It was our first time spending a night in our parents' house after the wedding. We had a birthday cake, "tumpeng", and noodles for the birthday.

Tuesday, 15 November, we went to another doctor for our second check up. The doctor gave us our first parent's fright when he spent about five minutes starring intently at the monitor during the ultrasound scan, while typing something on the keyboard and turning the handheld scan gadget over and over my tummy. Your father and I was shooting worried looks a few times during that long five minutes. Then suddenly, the doctor exclaimed, "Good! We even have the heartbeat now!" Apparently he was taking his time to measure your CRL (Crown Rump Length) and your heartbeat. You were 1.5cm in CRL and had a heartbeat of 165bpm (beat per minute). He said everything was fine and you were in your eight week.

So that makes this week, your ninth week. I am getting better in handling the nausea, but still can't eat as well as before pregnant. Everyone said it was totally normal. Some people even lose a few kilos during the first trimester. I lost one kilogram when I weighed last week at the doctor's. I'm still staying at home and happily entertain myself surfing and writing, while learning to cook.

Oh, and these two days, I noticed that my tummy is getting bigger! I did not have a flat tummy to start with, so your grandmother said that it was normal for me to get bigger now. I just wished I could have a flatter tummy (compared to before pregnant) after you are born later. Haha.

Okay, so that was your first nine weeks.

week nine

I started to write to the unborn child. Over the time, I will grow older and will somehow change. I just thought it could be fun for my child to know me when I am this young and rather carefree. I hope I have the patience and diligence to keep on writing.

These few days I had difficulties in eating again. I just don't feel like eating, but if I don't eat, I feel terribly hungry. And no, even though I am hungry, the food doesn't taste better. I think it's the nausea... or more likely it's because I can't cook well.

This afternoon, my junior high school friend just came and we had a long chat. How fast time has passed since then! She's one of my closest friend and we have lost touch for about 8 years when I moved to a far away village. She told me that our friends were surprised that I was getting married because I was such a bookworm last time! Oh well, bookworm can find love too, don't you think?

Currently, I am making wall-calendar to make counting-till-the-baby-comes easier. Nowadays, I'll do all kind of activities that does not involved household chores. *sigh* And my mind continues to scream warning about me being a lousy mom when the baby comes if I don't change my attitude towards the chores. :P

Big Lizard in the Cupboard

I was going to take a plate in the cupboard above the sink when the big ugly lizard ran across the cupboard wall behind the plate. I was in shock. I hate lizard. I especially hate big ugly lizard (and small black uglier lizard). This cupboard above the sink has no bottom cover, it is the temporary storage for the after-washed-dishes. It has no shelves, but has plastic racks for the plates and glasses instead, so the excess water can drip straight to the sink. We move the dishes into their respective cupboards after they get dry.

This disgusting lizard found its way inside that cupboard and had a disgusting big watery poo. Lucky no plates or glasses were harmed in the process... or it could disgust me even more. I fought my fear and made loud noises to shoo the lizard out of the kitchen. Then while trying very hard not to vomit, I cleaned up the mess that ugly bad lizard left.

I hate lizards to the point of wondering why our dear God made them.

Lizard aside, this sink underneath the cupboard has a unique attitude. If I use it for a long time to wash a lot of things, slowly the drained water can come out from the bottom pipe and flood the floor. That happens if I kept all the dirty glasses, plates, pans, pots, spoons, forks, whatever, since morning and only wash them at night. If I wash the things after every meals, nothing happens. That is a really good way to make me diligent in washing after meals!

First Letter

Dearest Wowy,

Okay, you might be wondering about the name. It is a name your father gave you when we just found out about you growing in my womb. Wowy, from WOW, because you just surprises us. This name will only be used strictly to call you while you are still inside... and inside these letters I'm writing while you are still inside.

You are growing into your ninth week and we still don't know your gender yet. We're still searching for THE name you will be called with for the rest of your life. Let's just hope you love the name we gave you.

This is the first letter, but I will write about your previous eight week. I will give you all the letters written for you during the pregnancy or during your childhood as a gift on your birthdays when you are much older. I hope these letters from the past, written by your younger mother, will enrich your life in some ways.

I am about 24 years and four months old now. Still adjusting myself in being a wife (your father and I just married in less than two months!), and I am still completely clueless in being a mother. When you are reading this now, I hope I have been a good mom for you, and a good wife to your father.

It's 12:34am now and I really need to sleep. My body is not only mine now, but yours as well. We love you.

week eight

We went to another doctor for another check up last night. I was feeling sick during the car ride there, I had to lie down and forced myself to sleep. The nausea is getting worse nowadays. I could not wait till the end of the first trimester!

At the doctor, another ultrasound scan was performed. But this time, I could not see the monitor! It was facing the other way. Luckily, the doctor printed the images.

We had our first scare as parents. The first doctor that we saw smiled and congratulated us the first second he looked at the USG monitor. This doctor, he took about five whole minutes playing with the keyboard, while looking seriously at the monitor and turning the ultrasound handheld gadget over my tummy. Hubby and I were glancing at each other occasionally shooting puzzled looks. He was afraid that the fetus was not growing properly, or even gone.

In that worrying silence, suddenly the doctor said firmly, "Good! We even have the heartbeat." Apparently, he was taking his time to measure the fetus size and the heartbeat rate.

Now Wowy is about 1.5cm in length and have 165bpm of heart rate.

Mother Material

Today I was glued to the laptop for the whole afternoon and forgot to cook lunch. If the hungry hubby did not complain, we would eat lunch very late. And I should have taken care of myself better than that! I’m not eating for myself alone now.

Anyway, the whole incident made think about being a mother and being responsible to another human being. I am not cut out to be a mother. Not good in doing house stuff, cook terribly, forgetful, ignorant, and definitely not a caring person in continuous mode. I could be a caring person, but not all the time.

It is indeed a time to learn now. I have about eight months to make myself a good mother.

Home Alone 2

Finally, I had ADSL internet connection at home. Yay! I have spent several hours emailing and surfing about baby stuff. The connection was not constant, though. Sometimes up, sometimes down for no apparent reason. The Telkom guy can only check the connection on Monday. I’m not complaining, though. This was the best connection I had in months (not counting the time I was in Singapore, of course!).

I told my friend over email that I was lazy doing housework and she replied straight away that Wowy must be a boy. That was deduced from the fact that I was lazy to put on make up, more carelessly dressed, and lazy to do all the housework (such as cleaning). My mom and sisters thought that way too. *sigh* I guess I have looked a lot worse than before. Anyway, this baby is either a boy or a very lazy girl. ;)

Home Alone

Hubby went to work for the first time after a long ‘Lebaran’ break. I stayed at home this time.

Last week, I was down with flu and slight fever. The most uncomfortable illness I’ve ever felt. Due to the pregnancy, I was reluctant to take any medicine, so the recovery was only by lots of water, vitamin C, and bed rest. Slow recovery, but I was happy I made it.

During those awful times, both of our family came over to help with the cleaning of the house, preparing of foods, and taking care of me. We were blessed to have them.
I just hope that this illness have no negative effect on Wowy’s growth.

morning sickness

I still experience morning sickness throughout the day and during the night. Could not eat as well and as much as I used to. Hoping the nausea to go away as soon as possible.

wowy

Our first visit to the doctor. I had my first USG experience! Oh well, not much could be seen now, only something like a little circle inside a bigger one. The doctor said that the little circle was something called the amniotic pouch, where the fetus would grow later on. Now, the fetus was not a fetus yet, it was a collection of cells called blastocyst.

The doctor said that I was six weeks pregnant. Puzzled, we protested that it was not possible since we were only married for four weeks. The doc laughed and said that usually the counting began from the last date of menstruation (since it was usually difficult to know the exact date of conception). So the little one itself was just about three weeks old.

To make it easier for us to refer to it, we called the little one 'Wowy'. Should be easy to guess where the name came from.

Another life

We just arrived yesterday from Singapore. Today was our first, supposedly, normal married life in our new home.

It was not as normal as we expected.

Feeling a continuous nausea for the whole morning, the second time in a week, I suddenly thought about pregnancy. Well, it was either that, or I was sick. We decided to check.

The first test was ambiguous. There was an extra line, indicating pregnancy, but it was very faint. The second one, with a different test kit, was a positive. So was the third time.

When the realization hit me, I cried. I never expected it will be this soon, but God has blessed us with this little soul. We were surprised, shocked, dumbfounded, happy, anxious, scared, but felt very blessed indeed.

Another phase of our life has started. I hope we can take care of this little soul well.

the end of an era

the cold breeze is blowing into my face from the opened window. it rained this morning, and it is still windy and cold outside. this will be my last morning living in this city; at least for this year, for one will never know what will happen next year.

i used to look forward impatiently for today a few months ago, then i dreaded this day for the last one month. i didn't know if i can face all the good-byes, all the packing and the moving out, and especially, all the changes. but the last one week has gone well. i have said my good-byes, packed, moved the things out, and now i am ready to go home.

growing up is a scary business, i would say. i could no longer depend on 'the adults' on a lot of things, i am 'the adult' now, and i need to be able to stand on my own, make big decision on my own, and live with the consequences on my own.

today, i am leaving my single life in this city; a life that started in june 1999, a life that has brought me so many marvelous people whom became my best friends, a life that gave me my other half, a life that changed me into a woman... a life that has made me so rich with memories, friendships and love.

i am having mixed feelings, really. i am sad leaving all these, the friends i love, the wonderful colleagues , the fine city, my weeks old god-child, and the places i grew to love. i am also happy to move in with my family again, with the parents and the little sisters. i am joyful for being able to stay close to my other half. he reminded me that changes is indeed scary, but at least i don't have to go through it alone from now on.

life is beautiful, i would say with conviction now. it is beautiful, not only because all the happy events, but because the combinations of all sorts of moments put into one tapestry of life in a intricate way.

this year i have experienced being engaged, going on mri scan, being told that i have a tumor, resigning, carrying a newborn girl, buying a christening gown for her, saying lots of farewells, moving out, and a lot of other moments. they brought tears, joy, hapiness, sadness, a stab of pain, fear, and unexplained feelings. they brought love and comforts from the friends. they brought me to experience life.

and the next time i write will be from another city. another life.

when a godmom is born

today my best friend gave birth to a baby girl. the happy woman and her husband are still in the hospital, recuperating. i had the honor of being the child's godmother. to be happy is an understatement. i am joyful, elated, excited, impressed, awed, i don't even know how to describe my feelings. can't wait to see the new girl, the princess that everyone is waiting for.

looking back into my own childhood, i grew up reading tales with princesses and their fairy godmother. i was always happy and mesmerized whenever the godmother popped out of nowhere and came to the rescue of the princess.

today, i became one of the godmothers.

i don't know what kind of role that i'll have in the life of the child. i prayed to god that i can be really like the godmom in the stories. protecting and loving her and popping out helping at the right time.

today, the day when the princess is born, a godmother is born.

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
- Leann Rimes

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
And I don't borrow from its sunshine
'Cause the skies might turn to grey.
And I don't worry about the future,
'Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I'm gonna walk right beside him
'Cause he's the one who knows what is ahead.
There are things about tomorrow
That I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds are silver lined.
And, over there the sun is always shining
And no tears will ever dim the eye
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.
There are many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Yes I know who holds my hand.

looking at the world upside down

my flatmate, my youngest sister, and i went for reversed bungy jumping this afternoon.

and we screamed while looking at the world upside down. :)

anxiety attack

my hands are cold. my mind is scrambled. i could not do my work properly.

i think i'm having an anxiety attack.

the first of july. the first day of the month where the changes begin.

i will stop working in two weeks time and i will pack up all of my things and ship them home in three weeks time. by end of this month, i will be unemployed and homeless in singapore.

sometimes, i can no longer think about the wedding, the preparation, and the happiness. i will be scared. and fear will start to freeze me. i cannot even think of what are the things that trigger the fear.

funny how your body responds to the state of your mind.

okay. i'd better do something else to distract myself.

still about future

anxious. anxious. anxious!

future

i always feel caught up in the current that brings me to my future. a lot of things just happened. there are really lots of unplanned things that just popped out here and there in my life.

...

faith

three months and a week before the wedding. a month and a week before going back for good. about the same time before going for another blood test and doctor visit. and there are still a lot of outstanding things to be done. a lot of things to be paid. and only another three weeks to the unemployment.

the other night, i watched a documentary about cleaners life, those people working in toilets, among rubbish bins, or dirty plates. they worked really hard just to earn some little sum per month. unable to find a better paying job. here, i have a good job and i am leaving it. am i sane enough?

i couldn't really answer that now. this last one year, our live has been a big question mark for others. we chose long distance relationship, lower paying job in a less secure city, and exposed ourselves to a lot of risk and insecurity.

a big WHY?

i'm still grappling to answer that too. wondering if we have chosen the right path. wondering if the prolactinoma thing is something to call us to back off. wondering if we will be okay in the future.

that is my mind talking.

my heart talks about the excitement of staying near my family. about the lovely end of our long distance relationship. about having breakfast and dinner together. and hopefully, a flexible working hours.

sometimes, i don't know which one should i follow. my mind or my heart?

whenever trouble comes my way

a verse my dear friend always send me.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

time to rend

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

ecclesiastes3:1-8

...

we just had our 'time to rend'. always full of regrets afterwards. but who can avoid having those times?

if there is no 'time to rend', there will be no sweet 'time to sew'.

and nobody will value peace so much if there is no war.

c'est la vie.

resignation

i resigned from my company today. and i will have only four weeks more to work. twenty days.

it's scary. this is my first job. my first resignation. my first plunge into the unknown future of the unemployed.

but this is the path that i have chosen. i don't think i will have any regrets whatsoever.

i'm still terrified, though. at least for now.

...

prolactinoma

it is finally confirmed.

i have prolactinoma.

will start 1.25mg of bromocriptine daily. starting tonight.

i don't know the future, but i am thankful that i have You, and you, by my side.

would you choose to live?

i love reading jostein gaarder's. just finished the orange girl. read it, and ask yourself the questions.

mri result

on my way to the doctor. my mri result just came and i really really hope there is nothing serious.

i couldn't concentrate doing my work anymore after calling the doctor this afternoon. especially after he said that there was indeed something wrong in my pituitary gland. so i asked for time off and here i am now, on my way to find my future.

magnetic resonance imaging

saturday, 4 june 2005, i went for my first mri scan. it supposed to be cat scan, but the doctor said that mri was better to see what was needed to be seen, my pituitary gland.

after the wait, the nurse asked me to change into a towel robe, taking off all things metal from my body. then i was ushered into the scan room and asked to lie down on the sliding table. then he clamped my head and asked me to close my eyes and keep still throughout the procedure. for a detailed procedure, please look here.

i did one 10-minutes (that felt like forever) scan, then i was pulled out from the 'cylinder' and was informed that the procedure would be repeated after a contrast material (gandolinium, i supposed) was injected into my vein. so he jabbed the injection into my left arm and left the needle there for a few seconds... and ouch! suddenly i felt a sharp pain that quickly covered my left arm with a burning sensation. i called the nurse and informed him that i felt pain. he looked at the burning arm and said that my vein was so fragile, it broke.

and i panicked! so that contrast material thing was now all over the inside of my left arm???!!!!

that was when i realized another nurse, a lady, was going to inject my right arm with the same material. i actually freaked out and asked her to wait. almost wailed. she said firmly that this has to be done and said that i would be okay, the pain would subside, and cooly jabbed the needle in. this time it was not painful since the pain in the other arm was far more overwhelming.

then she slided the table into the 'cylinder' again and torture began.

in the darkness (of the closed eyes), i heard the thumping of the machine and felt the throbbing pain in my left arm. i prayed for strength over and over. and i regretted my decision to go for mri scan. the throbbing pain and the thumping sound seemed to go on forever.

then everything was done. another nurse nursed my arms, plastered a dot plaster on each arm. i changed back into my clothes and went out. all the time feeling a bit angry over the broken-vein thing, scared of the effect of the material inside my body, and some regrets for going for this mri scan thing.

on the way home, i ponder a lot about my threshold of pain. and that of my ancestors.

can you imagine how they pulled their teeth before anesthetic was invented?

the beginning

i just read the time traveler's wife by audrey niffenegger.

it evoked a lot of emotions. and got me to pick up the phone and called andi. and i cried.

we are going to be husband and wife in about slightly more than four months time.

reading the book brought my mind into the future, thinking about our home, how our family would be, and when will death set us apart. yeah, especially the separation part. it just dawned on me that whatever journey that we are going to start in october will end someday somehow. there is an ending after every beginning.

so i called him, and told him how much i missed him and how thankful i was to have him now, even when he was 897 kilometers away from here.

acknowledging the ending is sad, but it adds the value of the present. life will not be so precious without death. keeping in mind that both of us will only have so much time in the world to be together, not knowing when the end is, i guess we will not take anything for granted and will be truly grateful for each moment that we spend together.

and so this is the beginning.

the first post.