Wednesday, December 27, 2006

an angel for the family

The sky was grey with heavy clouds. The air was damp. Everything was wet from the rain that has just stopped. Little Jove waited with my mom and husband in the car, in the parking lot in the middle of the cemetery, while I followed the footsteps of my father and my three sisters walking in a single line on a little path between the tombstones.

From the little path between the tombstones, we stepped into a wider cemented path. Trees stood quietly at the sides of the path. Strange looking trees, their trunks were twisted and their branches were like clawing hands. Appropriate for a scary movie in a cemetery, I thought.

We walked on. Four grave diggers led the way. We asked them to find the grave as Papa has forgotten where it was. They walked quickly, their bare feet made no sound on the wet pavement. The air was cool, rain water still dripped from the leaves when the wind blew, everything was peaceful. I loved the serenity of the cemetery. The dead have no worries.

Not long after, they met another digger, an older one, who happened to know the location of the grave. He used to clean the three graves, he said. We steered out from the wide cemented path, climbing the hill filled with tombstones by carefully stepping on the wet slippery soil or the lower bases of big tombstones. On the way, he showed a big tombstone, a grave to a couple, the parents of my grandfather. I knew almost nothing about them; great grandpa died long before I was born and great grandma died when I was three, yet without them, there would be no me.

Almost at the top of the hill, the digger pointed down to a patch of land full of tall wild grass where scattered bouquets of flowers were thrown away by previous visitors of the nearby graves. I looked closely beneath the tall wet grass. Three small tombstones marked the three graves.

The left one was the newest one, the second daughter of my mother’s youngest sister, died at one day old in 1998. There was a cross made from cement on top of the tomb. The right one was the oldest, second daughter, third child of my mother’s elder sister, died at almost a month old in 1979. In the middle tomb lies my parents’ only son, my brother, died in August 1982, just two days after he was born.

The gravediggers quickly busied themselves clearing the grass on and around the tombs. We stood there, watching. Twenty over years have passed since the last time I visit the place, I was a four-year old child who knew nothing then.

Now I knew, inside the grave lies my baby brother, born and died in a much smaller size than my son when he was born. With him was a small statue of a dog that my father bought for him, he was born in the Chinese year of Dog, just like my son twenty four years later. I could not imagine how my parents must have felt when they buried their son, much as I could not imagine how I would feel if I lost my son. Sadness still clouded their faces if I asked or mentioned about my baby brother.

I have a lot of questions I did not dare to ask. Maybe they did not know the answers themselves if I did ask. Silly questions like: how would our family be now if my baby brother was alive? Would I still have three sisters, the same ones like I have now? Would he be my closest friend and companion? Would his opinion and advice matter when I chose my husband? Would he study with me in Singapore? Would he be a great uncle for my son? And so on.

I knew for sure that our lives would not be the same with him around and it was utterly useless to even ask those questions. Maybe in their hearts my parents asked the same questions from time to time. Or maybe it was only one question, why did he have to die?

While standing over the three little graves, I thought that my little baby brother was now an angel, residing in heaven with his Father and his cousins, looking after us, waiting for us. All of us will see him one day, smiling broadly while introducing us to the hands of our Maker.

When the grave diggers finished clearing the graves, we took photos with brother Wei Xiong’s tombstone, said our prayers, and then walked back to the car, back to the noisy land of the living, back to our busy lives.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

mommy down with fever

I was down with fever yesterday. I woke up with horrible feelings, painful joints, bad headache, nausea and fever. I took Panadol and went back to sleep after hubby went to work. Woke up, still feverish. I called my sister to pick us up.

Jove is blessed with aunts-on-their-Christmas-holiday and available stay-at-home grandma, so sick mommy is not a big issue. I spent the day sleeping, waking up only for meals and feedings. The fever went down in the afternoon, but went up again at night. I took another Panadol and went to sleep. Little Jove slept with the grandparents. Bottles of breastmilk were ready in the fridge.

After an uninterrupted night sleep, I did get better. Have done loads of activities today and I'm still okay. Thank God.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

another first


Jove pooed succesfully in the toilet today. I hold him while he sat on the kiddy seat that grandma bought him.

Yay!

Monday, December 18, 2006

healing the moon

We gave Jove CTM (chlortrimeton) four times on Friday. The dose was prescribed by our personal doctor, Jove's grandpa. He said that the medicine was quite safe to be used for long term due to its insignificant side effect. But being safe, it took a long time to work. By Saturday morning, the rashes were still all over him, and the scratching continues. We put a topical cream for the scratch wound at the back of his head, it was healing, but Jove kept on scratching. I took the liberty of giving a dose of Avil and Kenacort to him. The medication was prescribed by Jove's pediatrician the first time he identified the allergy outbreak and cleaned all rashes. However, according to my father-in-law, Kenacort contained corticosteroid and not safe for babies. I have considered this decision for two days, it was out of desperation when I gave him that dose. Two hours later, the rashes started drying and the healing began.

We went to the bioresonance therapy clinic in the afternoon. Jove was tested allergic to his Zwitsal shampoo and soap, tempe goreng, Quacker oats, and our house's dust. He had 30 minutes of therapy while watching children's show. This time, he only started to fuss two minutes before the therapy ended.

That evening, Jove started using Sebamed baby soap and shampoo. Then at night, grandma carefully wiped his whole face and body with warm and slightly wet towel then put Protopic cream on the rashes.

Sunday morning, Jove woke up clear and bright. His face shone with the new smooth skin and that made our day. I boldly decided to start the investigation in the afternoon, I ate fish. I hold my breath during the first feeding after lunch. He seemed to be fine. Dinner, I tried another fish and a little bit of ox tail. Jove continued to be fine till bedtime. Yay.

Both of us quickly turned on the light when we woke up this morning, and after taking a good look at the sleeping angel, we laughed. Jove's skin was still clean. Even until now when I write this, after a chicken soup breakfast and tempe lunch, he is still clean. No red rashes, no scratching. Only one little happy round moon.

(So it was the soap and shampoo all these time!)

Thank you Lord.

my own christmas elf

This Christmas, I got a Christmas elf.


The hat was handmade by my multi talented cousin, cie Ing Ing. Jove looooves it!

The picture was taken yesterday and if you noticed, no more red rashes! Full story will be told in another entry.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

great grandma goes home

Jove's great grandma finally went home to Semarang today after almost half a year travelling half the world to find a cure. I really really really really really hope that she will continue to heal and be well completely soon. Please hear our prayers, Lord.

We may be going there this Christmas. Could be Jove's first long distance car trip!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

still red


We decided to give Jove the doctor's prescribed medicine for his allergy. His rashes are getting redder and he scratched till they bled and stained the bed sheet (I was pretty terrified and hugged him for a couple of minutes after seeing the blood stain). Eating rice and vegetable only for the whole day did not help to reduce the rashes. Maybe the outbreak has gone bad.

We're going to try the bioresonance therapy on Saturday. Hope that helps.

On a happier note, today is Emak's 81st birthday. Called her in the afternoon. She sounded happy. The hospital's nurses threw a surprise birthday party for her, they brought a cake, sang birthday songs, and took pictures. Wonderful sweet nurses! God bless them.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

another outbreak


Red rashes strike again. They are everywhere, on both cheeks, neck, chest, tummy, the whole back, armpits, and some spots on the chubby arms and legs. Seems itchy.

Jove was tested allergic to chicken and quail's egg, cow's milk, peanut, cashew nut, chocolate, white sugar, red snapper fish (ikan kakap merah?), prawn, squid, chicken, pork, beef, wheat, yeast, some fungi, cat dander, some metal, prawn cracker, Kraft cheese, yellow food coloring, orange essence, and Indomie. Ikan Tenggiri (mackerel?) is labeled OK by the therapist.

I ate quite an amount of pepes ikan tenggiri (mackerel cooked in banana leaf with some spices) for breakfast and lunch yesterday. Then I drank a glass of chocolate flavored coffee in the afternoon. Oh, and I also ate a piece of chocolate cake. The outbreak began in the evening.

I ate some pepes tenggiri last Sunday and drank the same drink a few days in a row last week, no outbreak of rashes. I assumed that they were okay. Apparently they are not.

I'm going to take some food and drink to the clinic this Saturday to be tested directly to the baby. Meanwhile, I treated the rashes with Protopic cream. Hope the little guy gets better.

he bites

Jove bites everything now. He nibbles soft and hard toys, my cheek, chin, and shoulder, his tiny hands, daddy's hand, grandma's hand, his plastic books, and worse of all... my nipples!

Not too painful now, maybe because the teeth have not come out yet. I really really hope he stops doing that when his teeth pops out.

angelic

Just now, for some reason, I cried. The sleeping baby suddenly stirred, woke up, and cried aloud. I was cleaning up in the bathroom, so hubby picked him up and tried to calm him down. The sway and walk around the room didn't work, Jove cried and cried. But he stopped crying the instant he was placed in my arms.

He looked intently at me. When I put him on the bed, stroked his hair and said sorry (for being emotional), he broke into a sweet angelic smile!

He put his tiny hands on my cheeks, something like stroking me. Then he broke into another happy grin. He grinned at me, then at his daddy. Then after sometime, he fell asleep next to me.

I felt happy the moment he stopped crying when I took him. But being stroked by two tiny hands and being shown a smile like that... completely priceless!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

sleepy day

Jove spent most of his time sleeping today! Wow. He took a two-hour nap in the morning and now, two hours has passed and he is still sleeping! Last week, he only slept like 15 minutes to 1 hour on each nap. I guess he is tired from the flurry of activities that we did since Friday afternoon.

We went swimming on Saturday morning. Swimming has been more and more exciting for Jove now. He wiggled his feet and almost smiling in the water! Afterwards, we went for a pizza lunch at the Sarpino's with my sisters, then went home at night.

Sunday, Jove and I cruised Gramedia in MTA while daddy went for NTU Alumni meeting at a nearby school. We spent almost two hours looking at the books. I carried him in the sling, and nursed him while looking at the books. Jove slept for about half an hour in the sling. We had lunch when daddy came. Jove spent almost an hour screaming and crying loudly (very very loudly in fact) while we waited for the table and the food. Gosh! I nursed him again in the restaurant, he slept for almost 30 minutes while we gobbled our food, then he woke up in all smiles mode! We cruised the mall again with the smiling baby in the stoller, then went to the grandparents'. Jove only saw his paternal grandparents about once a week and he still cried a lot in their place due to the unfamiliarity. He went back home tired.

Early morning on Monday, we drove again to my parents'. It was vaccination time again and I would go to the pediatrician with mom in the afternoon. Jove is 9.1kg now. He had a crying fit at night, just after dinner. Everybody tried to sway him, to calm him down and get him to sleep. No one succeded and nothing works. By the time I tried breastfeeding him, he has gone too angry to stop crying. At last, I took him from my mom's arms, did a little jog around the room while humming twinkle twinkle little star. He stooped crying and went to sleep. Fuh! About twenty minutes later, when we were just about to leave, he woke up with a big smile. The tensions from the crying fit faded, everyone smiled, and we went home peacefully.

Friday, December 8, 2006

bioresonance therapy

Jove's cheeks and tummy got worse today. Red rashes popped out everywhere and he scratched them like crazy. I called a cousin of mine and she told me about this clinic that gave a kind of therapy for allergic people. My father called soon after and after I told him about this clinic, he offered to drive us there this afternoon.

He arrived to pick us up in 30 minutes, sacrificing his lunch hour. He'll do practically everything for his grandson!

Jove was tested allergic for a lot of things, including chicken, pork, local beef, cow's milk, and peanuts. Wow. It's good to finally know the food he's allergic to, now I can plan what I eat instead of doing it in trial and error way. The therapist said that Bioresonance therapy that they would be doing could eliminate his body resistance to those allergens and therefore made him an allergic-free kid. It could even prevent him from having asthma like his father and grandfather.

We're still contemplating about getting the therapy now. Hubby is still rather sceptical about the whole thing. Maybe we'll visit the clinic again with him and see how.

From the clinic, we had lunch at home then set off to the airport to pick my mom who came from Semarang.

Mom dashed out the moment she saw Jove without waiting for her baggage. She took him from my arms and asked me to take her baggage! When my dad complained, she said she has asked the security guard who said it was okay to do that. Whew, what a grandma!

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

lazy tuesday

Today I put a disposable diaper on Jove. Lazy to bring him to the toilet to pee. Lately this guy can protest out loud if he did not want to pee in the toilet, only to wet his pants a few minutes later. Then he could not stay still on the bed, always trying to move, roll around, and going out of the waterproof sheet. So I just put the disposable and let him roam free on the bed.

Lately, I often lose my confidence on being a good mom when the baby refused to smile at me. Saturday night, after a full day outing (swimming, going to the mall, visiting the paternal grandparents) Jove cried hard in the car going back to my parents' place. We were supposed to go back home from their place afterwards, but I was afraid that the little guy would go mad again in the car. We could not stay in for another night since we ran out of clothes, so I decided to left him there with my parents. The overjoyed grandmother agreed to take care of him for the night. Mom and dad brought him back on Sunday morning. She said they had a wonderful time with him the whole night and morning. But then, my little guy refused to look at me when I called his name and asking him to come to my embrace. He hugged his grandma tight.

That was a mixed feeling moment. I was happy that he could be so attached with the grandma and was a little disappointed too for obvious reason. Grandma had to go home and I had my baby back... but also with a feeling of not being a good enough mom. I need to learn more from my mom, I guess. She's one of the best mom I know.

Anyway, Mom went to Semarang in the afternoon to see her mother. She already called me when she landed, but no news on the hospital visit yet. I do hope that Emak is recovering well, and this time, really healed.

Monday, December 4, 2006

getting a high chair, yay!

Jove just received a high chair from grandpa. He loves it! And tonight, my husband and I could enjoy dinner together, instead of taking turns like we usually did, while the baby sat happily with us at the dinner table in his new high chair. We noticed that he loves to sit with a leg (or both legs sometimes) lift up and rest on the small table. He does that again and again every time we put his leg down.

He's going to use the chair to have meal in three weeks time. Thanks, grandpa!


Update on Emak's condition: She has regained her consciousness and already had dinner. My aunt said the operation went well and she seemed to be okay. Thank God!

hope...

After breakfast, I received an sms from a dear aunt, informing that my grandma has started to fast and they has called the doctor but the doctor was still sleeping.

What was happening, I could not find the answer in my mind.

I called home. I told mom about the sms, and she told me that grandma was going to undergo another operation. This time, her left leg below the knee would be removed.

I starred blankly. I heard about the plan of the operation, I just never thought that it would be that soon. Today? I thought they were still contemplating about it.

The doctors first removed half of her big toe. Then in Shanghai, they removed the rest of the toe, leaving a black gaping hole that suffocate me with tears upon seeing it. Then it was half the foot next. This afternoon, half of her left leg will be gone.

I remembered the way she winced of pain when she stayed in our house last August. I remembered her tense body when I hold her. I remembered her tears when she did the stupid doctor's suggestion of immersing her foot into a bowl of Dettol. It must have hurt her like hell. I have no more comforting words to say to her then... I could only hug her close and prayed hard for the pain to leave her.

This year has been a hard year for grandma, her six children and their families. We have received hundreds of smses with news of pain, operation, new methods that were going to be tried, new doctors, sleepless nights, some more operations, etc. We are weary... and we could lose all our hope if not for a few of us with great faith.

A cousin, the eldest and dearest of the grandchildren, is keeping her hope high, her prayers long, and her faith strong. She set an example for all of us to follow.

Emak sayang, semoga setelah operasi ini, Emak bisa benar-benar sembuh.

We have persevered Lord, please show us Your mercy.