still about future

anxious. anxious. anxious!

future

i always feel caught up in the current that brings me to my future. a lot of things just happened. there are really lots of unplanned things that just popped out here and there in my life.

...

faith

three months and a week before the wedding. a month and a week before going back for good. about the same time before going for another blood test and doctor visit. and there are still a lot of outstanding things to be done. a lot of things to be paid. and only another three weeks to the unemployment.

the other night, i watched a documentary about cleaners life, those people working in toilets, among rubbish bins, or dirty plates. they worked really hard just to earn some little sum per month. unable to find a better paying job. here, i have a good job and i am leaving it. am i sane enough?

i couldn't really answer that now. this last one year, our live has been a big question mark for others. we chose long distance relationship, lower paying job in a less secure city, and exposed ourselves to a lot of risk and insecurity.

a big WHY?

i'm still grappling to answer that too. wondering if we have chosen the right path. wondering if the prolactinoma thing is something to call us to back off. wondering if we will be okay in the future.

that is my mind talking.

my heart talks about the excitement of staying near my family. about the lovely end of our long distance relationship. about having breakfast and dinner together. and hopefully, a flexible working hours.

sometimes, i don't know which one should i follow. my mind or my heart?

whenever trouble comes my way

a verse my dear friend always send me.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

time to rend

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

ecclesiastes3:1-8

...

we just had our 'time to rend'. always full of regrets afterwards. but who can avoid having those times?

if there is no 'time to rend', there will be no sweet 'time to sew'.

and nobody will value peace so much if there is no war.

c'est la vie.

resignation

i resigned from my company today. and i will have only four weeks more to work. twenty days.

it's scary. this is my first job. my first resignation. my first plunge into the unknown future of the unemployed.

but this is the path that i have chosen. i don't think i will have any regrets whatsoever.

i'm still terrified, though. at least for now.

...

prolactinoma

it is finally confirmed.

i have prolactinoma.

will start 1.25mg of bromocriptine daily. starting tonight.

i don't know the future, but i am thankful that i have You, and you, by my side.

would you choose to live?

i love reading jostein gaarder's. just finished the orange girl. read it, and ask yourself the questions.

mri result

on my way to the doctor. my mri result just came and i really really hope there is nothing serious.

i couldn't concentrate doing my work anymore after calling the doctor this afternoon. especially after he said that there was indeed something wrong in my pituitary gland. so i asked for time off and here i am now, on my way to find my future.

magnetic resonance imaging

saturday, 4 june 2005, i went for my first mri scan. it supposed to be cat scan, but the doctor said that mri was better to see what was needed to be seen, my pituitary gland.

after the wait, the nurse asked me to change into a towel robe, taking off all things metal from my body. then i was ushered into the scan room and asked to lie down on the sliding table. then he clamped my head and asked me to close my eyes and keep still throughout the procedure. for a detailed procedure, please look here.

i did one 10-minutes (that felt like forever) scan, then i was pulled out from the 'cylinder' and was informed that the procedure would be repeated after a contrast material (gandolinium, i supposed) was injected into my vein. so he jabbed the injection into my left arm and left the needle there for a few seconds... and ouch! suddenly i felt a sharp pain that quickly covered my left arm with a burning sensation. i called the nurse and informed him that i felt pain. he looked at the burning arm and said that my vein was so fragile, it broke.

and i panicked! so that contrast material thing was now all over the inside of my left arm???!!!!

that was when i realized another nurse, a lady, was going to inject my right arm with the same material. i actually freaked out and asked her to wait. almost wailed. she said firmly that this has to be done and said that i would be okay, the pain would subside, and cooly jabbed the needle in. this time it was not painful since the pain in the other arm was far more overwhelming.

then she slided the table into the 'cylinder' again and torture began.

in the darkness (of the closed eyes), i heard the thumping of the machine and felt the throbbing pain in my left arm. i prayed for strength over and over. and i regretted my decision to go for mri scan. the throbbing pain and the thumping sound seemed to go on forever.

then everything was done. another nurse nursed my arms, plastered a dot plaster on each arm. i changed back into my clothes and went out. all the time feeling a bit angry over the broken-vein thing, scared of the effect of the material inside my body, and some regrets for going for this mri scan thing.

on the way home, i ponder a lot about my threshold of pain. and that of my ancestors.

can you imagine how they pulled their teeth before anesthetic was invented?