surrounded by beauty

beautiful sunset sky just from the front porch

These two days, the sunset turned the sky a glorious orange-pink color. Oh well, I'm not capable enough to describe the beauty (nor the camera is good enough to capture the real coolness of the sky). Just writing it here to remind myself that we are indeed surrounded by beauty. :)

eight years

this date eight years ago, hubby asked me to be his girlfriend. :)

it has been a meaningful journey. and i thank God for the first day we start this journey together.

baptized!

we were late when we entered the church that wednesday night. five minutes past seven. the four of us, my husband, and the two kids. the mass has already started, the first reading was being read.

i could see papa and mama sitting in one of the front pews together with their catechism classmates, wearing white tops and black bottoms.

andi and i hovered around the back of the church with the restless kids.

then when the baptism started, there was a blackout! the lights went off with a loud sound (coming from the sound system that went off). so the baptism was done with candle lights in darkness. no microphone, sound system, nor any musical instrument. the choir just sang with their own voices. i thought that was how the first christians were baptized, and that was beautiful.

i remembered my prayers when i was younger and was pretty awed that God remembered my prayers even after i forgotten it. when my parents started going to catechism class, i was pretty surprised but still a bit skeptical. the realization hit full blast in the dark during the baptism. and i felt so grateful and loved and happy. :)

the lights went on after the baptism. so the anointing of the chrism oil was done in the light.

thank you, Lord.

one of those weeks...

some weeks, you just can't do any other thing than being with your kids and the people around you.

i am currently working on a personal exciting project and i take every available time to do it. i used to sneak up on my kids, forced poor husband to take care of the kids (while i ran off to the computer), and being grumpy whenever i could not have the time to do it... then husband and i had a talk. and what he said to me made a lot of sense.

this week, i had very little time to do the project. there was always something coming up. but instead of being grumpy, i am accepting the fact that all these flurry of activities actually show how rich my life is. and i am thankful for that.

we went to bogor last sunday, visiting engkong & emak's grave with my in-laws. tiring but a lot of fun. then my parents got baptized on wednesday night (deserve a full blog post on its own later). our dear old friend from singapore, donny, came visiting us today. and we had to wake up at about three or three thirty a.m. soon for our flight to semarang at six a.m. to visit grandpa.

i still have a little disappointment in not having enough time to do the project (that's why i'm writing this post, i think), but i count my blessings and i am truly thankful for this blessed week.

lent and bedtime

During this season of Lent, I am abstaining from complaining. It was easy during the first day, then I tend to forget about my abstinence.

The struggle is harder around bedtime, which in my family happens around midnight. No matter what the activities are, Jove seems to have his energy renewed in the few hours approaching sleep. His favorite activities consist of playing with his cars on the bed, watching movie (he has been playing UP every single night for more than a week now), jumping up and down the bed, drawing, and being read a book (his latest favorite is a children's encyclopedia). Sometimes he asked for a snack or a glass of milk.

I used to become so grumpy if he didn't want to sleep at around eleven. But I stopped since being grumpy irritated my husband and my children, plus it didn't make Jove sleep earlier anyway. I tried to be involved in his activities and enjoyed it. Our favorite is to put the children on a blanket, then my husband and I will swing them while singing some songs. The we drop them on the bed giggling and asking for more and more until my hands are red and sore (being stronger, husband has no problem with that).

Last night, I was tired. Jove did not nap during the day and he was still very physically active at midnight. I got angry and I forced him to sleep. I complained high and low about how tired I was and how I needed rest and how I was sore of breastfeeding Kay to sleep (she kept on waking up because of his brother's activities). He slept at last. But I regretted my actions.

This morning, my husband told me that I should not force the kids to sleep again. Because sleeping is a peaceful act, the kids should be able to fall asleep in peace. Well, I completely agree with that. I just need to figure out what I can do to stay nice and sweet till my kids fall asleep peacefully.

three

Dear Jove,

As I held your hand to sleep tonight, I prayed to God, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you..."

Thank you for all the moments, all the tears, all the joy, all the lessons, all the pain, all the smiles... well, basically, THANK YOU for blessing me with this grace of being your mother for these three years (and nine months).

I still can't believe that you have turned three. I still can't believe that I hardly ever carried you again during the day (you used to stick on me like a limb) and I have not nursed to you sleep for a year now (you used be an extension of my breast at night).

Do you still remember the days when I wished you would start talking? Or the days when I urged you to let go of my hands to walk by yourself? Now you talked nonstop during your waking time. Jumping and running and climbing and sliding down and riding your truck and jumping some more... nonstop too.

I should stop expecting things from you and should really savor the moments we shared together more intensely. You are no longer my toddler, darling boy. You are growing up (sometimes too fast for my liking) to be a man.

This past week, you have decided to spend your nights sleeping in your grandparent's house against our will. Your Papa was sad and devastated. He always missed you and always always always wanted to sleep with you at night (no matter how many nights you have kept him awake with his droopy sleepy eyes to read you just five more story books). I told him, you were just sleeping five minutes away from home in the embrace of his loving aunt... How would we feel when you decide to go abroad for your study? How would we feel when you find your girl, marry her, and live somewhere far from us? Honestly, your father and I had no answer for that.

We are just glad and thankful that you relented and slept with us yesterday... and today... and hopefully tomorrow (and for the rest of your life, hehehe).

Thank you for being such a sweet wonderful smart cheerful boy these three years. We LOVE you.

Papa & Mama

I'm sorry, Sis!

Jovan was pretty cranky yesterday afternoon. He kept on asking me to carry him while I was holding his sister.

After sometime, I relented. That boy needed some good hugs.

I put the sister on the bed and carried him. Not long after, his sister started to cry! But big brother still did not want to go down. He looked at her crying and he asked me to ask one of the aunts to carry her. I told him there were no aunts around now. Only the three of us.

Then he said, "I want to go down now." He looked pretty sad. I put him down on the bed, and joined in to feed Kay. Jove started stroking his sister's arm, kissing her little fist, looking at her lovingly.

Then he said slowly, "I'm sorry, Sis."

"Why did you say sorry?" I asked him.

"Because I cried," he answered. ("Soalnya koko nangis", katanya.)

He slept while holding her hand. And I don't think I can put my feelings into words...

learning from a child

It's about three thirty in the afternoon. I brought Jove out to play on the grass in front of the house. We spent a considerably long time examining the rough texture of the grass (a little bit dry because of the hot afternoon sun, I supposed) and the warmth of the stone slabs.

I followed Jove's lead on what to do. We walked on the ticklish grass barefooted, we hopped from stone to stone, we sat down and pulled out some weeds that grew among the grasses, Jove pulled some grasses. The sky was blue, some birds flew above us. The soft breeze caressed our hair lovingly. I could be laying down in a field of green grass with colorful wild flowers and feel as happy as I was this afternoon.

One secret of happiness that I learned from Jovan is as simple as living every second of your day to the fullest. Well, I don't feel happy all the time and I may not remember this secret at all times, but for half an hour this afternoon, I was truly happy.

I did have some thoughts on what the neighbors would say looking at a mother and her son looking intently at grasses and stones while smiling cheerfully at each other. Err, well, that's another secret of happiness that the children possessed: do not care about what other people will think of you. Just enjoy what you do (and what you have) at the moment and be happy. That works for me this afternoon.

unspoken love

I uploaded the pictures from last May's trip to Singapore, Semarang and Salatiga in the web albums (link at the sidebar).

A few weeks after that trip, I found out something that made my eyes watery from my mom and sisters.

Whenever we stayed in our grandparents' house in Semarang, my father, husband, son, and I usually slept in the guest's room (which was my childhood bedroom). Mom and my two sisters would be sleeping with grandma, and my youngest sister will sleep in a spare bed in grandpa's room. Grandpa sleeps in the room connected to grandma's room. They have slept in separate rooms for about 10 years, I guess.

Anyway, grandpa is a stern person and his relationship with grandma was not romantic or sweet... in short, I could not see them as a couple that could fall in love and got married in the first place. At one time, I knew that grandpa and grandma stopped talking to each other for some months (or maybe years).

And one day while my mom, sisters, and I were chatting about them, I found out that every night after everyone was asleep, grandpa would walk over to grandma's room to check on everybody. He would go to each bed and straighten the blanket, check the airconditioning, then went back to sleep.

Now that my grandma stays in another town, mom wondered how grandpa must have felt when he woke up in the middle of the night and checked the other room.

But I thanked God I had the chance to know this sweet habit of him, checking on grandma every night. That's how grandpa expressed his love.

Miss them so much. Hope we can have another trip there in the middle of this month.

happy birthday Jovan

I woke up at about 2 a.m. because of the mosquitos. Found (and killed) six in the room (Yikes!).

Exactly one year ago, I was being stitched while Jovan was kicking and crying a few meters away. Hubby was busy snapping pictures and admiring his new son. The first year seemed to pass faster than the first month. Jovan is a year old already!

I took the camera and snapped this pic.


After one year, I can only vaguely remember the labor pain, but I vividly remember the euphoric joy that little boy brought. We named him Jovan Octavio, roughly means a delightful abiding place of God. His initials would be J.O.Y. and that was what we would like him to bring constantly in his heart.

I feel honored to be trusted with a soul to tend, feel blessed to be given such a cheerful boy, and... well, my vocabulary is really limited to express what I feel but I'm sure you, mothers out there, know what I mean. I'm also excited imagining the years to come. :)

Meanwhile, I take it as an achievement that I can be a mom for a year and my son is still alive, kicking, healthy, and happy. Hehehe. :) I guess, as a friend said, the first birthday is more for the parents to celebrate their [successful] first year as parents. :)

P.S. For comparison, this was one year ago. Taken when I let my very sleepy hubby (who's going to work in a while) took a short nap on my hospital bed at about 5 a.m. It would be really nice if he were the one who actually gave birth, wouldn't it?

cute cute goddaughter

My goddaughter and her mom just visited me! Oooh, the most awaited event of the month! :)

Rielle is a super cute-cute-smart-smart little girl. I didn't get to see her often, so I was always amazed with her growth every time I saw her. The smartest kid for her age I've met so far! So proud of her. He he he. So proud of her mommy too. :)

And silly me, I forgot to take picture!!!!! I've recharged the camera, prepared it on the table, and forgot to use it altogether in the excitement of meeting them.

If you read this, Rielle's mommy, please remind me to take picture the next time we meet. :)

God’s miracle

Jove just had his first blended-boiled-potato-carrot meal; I put him down in the middle of the bed then left the room to clear up the potato-carrot stained dishes and high chair. Three minutes later, when I entered the room, the bed was empty. No baby on the bed.

No baby on the bed!

I was frozen for a split second, too scared to move. Horrible images played in my head.

When I left him, Jove was playing with his multi-colored cow in the middle of the bed, barricaded by four adult-sized bolster and pillows on each side of the bed, plus one body-mate (170cm bolster) at one side. Now, one of the bolster was missing (the one at the far side of the bed) and there was no baby.

If the baby fell down, knocked the cold hard floor or the hard wood of the bed frame, he should have cried. My baby’s cry could be heard from blocks away, I should have heard it from the living room. If he did not cry or make any sound, could he have fainted?

I ran to find him.

I found the baby lying on his tummy, with his chest and hands on the bolster, looking around at his new surrounding. He loves to look around, especially in new places. It was his first time on the floor between the bed and his crib, he had fun. I called his name and he looked up at me, and to my relief, smiled.

I quickly took him and hugged him tight, then remembering something, sat him down to check for bruises or open wounds or scratches, well, any sign of injury.

I found none.

Then I tickled him. He laughed his belly laugh. I laughed along, nervously. We played peek-a-boo and I tickled him again. His laughter quickly washed my fears away.

I thank my Lord. For I could not understand how could he went from the bed to the floor safely. He could not even crawl or sit up by himself yet. He could have shifted from the middle of the bed to the side… but to go down to the floor safely to the position I found him in, impossible, at least from my frail human mind’s point of view.

Maybe He taught my son how to fly down safely when He saw him on the verge of falling down.

I learned my lesson and renewed my faith.

One day, Lord please show me the event. I’m really curious on how he got there.

sneaky mom busted

The little guy wailed. He has tried to go to sleep for almost an hour to no avail. Frustrated, he sought the Ultimate Way to Sleep, latching on my breast.

I nursed him for a few minutes, and then I took a magazine and read. The little guy sensed that I was doing something else when I flipped a page. He turned, looked at the magazine, looked at me, then continued sucking.

After a while, the rhythm of the sucking became slower, and slower, and slower, then stopped altogether. I took a pacifier and quietly replaced my nipple with it.

He shifted. I stroked his head, patted his tiny butt, hoped he would settle back to sleep. No, he didn’t.

He dropped the pacifier. Opened his eyes big, looked at me in the eye for a few seconds, then his eyes started brimming with tears. He wailed as if I have betrayed his trust by taking out my nipple and shoving a pacifier in. The sneaky mom felt a pang of guilt instantly. You couldn’t helped feeling very guilty with that sad innocent tear streaked face looking at you like that.

When I placed the tip of my breast back into his mouth, he didn’t suck at it quickly as he always did. He looked at me with his teary eyes while slowly latching to my breast, then he stopped latching and while looking at me, wailed again. I said sorry a few times, kissed and hugged him, promised that this time I would wait until he let go by himself. Only then he stopped looking at me, started latching and happily nursing while drifting to sleep.

Never underestimate a six-month old baby.

angelic

Just now, for some reason, I cried. The sleeping baby suddenly stirred, woke up, and cried aloud. I was cleaning up in the bathroom, so hubby picked him up and tried to calm him down. The sway and walk around the room didn't work, Jove cried and cried. But he stopped crying the instant he was placed in my arms.

He looked intently at me. When I put him on the bed, stroked his hair and said sorry (for being emotional), he broke into a sweet angelic smile!

He put his tiny hands on my cheeks, something like stroking me. Then he broke into another happy grin. He grinned at me, then at his daddy. Then after sometime, he fell asleep next to me.

I felt happy the moment he stopped crying when I took him. But being stroked by two tiny hands and being shown a smile like that... completely priceless!