the end of an era

the cold breeze is blowing into my face from the opened window. it rained this morning, and it is still windy and cold outside. this will be my last morning living in this city; at least for this year, for one will never know what will happen next year.

i used to look forward impatiently for today a few months ago, then i dreaded this day for the last one month. i didn't know if i can face all the good-byes, all the packing and the moving out, and especially, all the changes. but the last one week has gone well. i have said my good-byes, packed, moved the things out, and now i am ready to go home.

growing up is a scary business, i would say. i could no longer depend on 'the adults' on a lot of things, i am 'the adult' now, and i need to be able to stand on my own, make big decision on my own, and live with the consequences on my own.

today, i am leaving my single life in this city; a life that started in june 1999, a life that has brought me so many marvelous people whom became my best friends, a life that gave me my other half, a life that changed me into a woman... a life that has made me so rich with memories, friendships and love.

i am having mixed feelings, really. i am sad leaving all these, the friends i love, the wonderful colleagues , the fine city, my weeks old god-child, and the places i grew to love. i am also happy to move in with my family again, with the parents and the little sisters. i am joyful for being able to stay close to my other half. he reminded me that changes is indeed scary, but at least i don't have to go through it alone from now on.

life is beautiful, i would say with conviction now. it is beautiful, not only because all the happy events, but because the combinations of all sorts of moments put into one tapestry of life in a intricate way.

this year i have experienced being engaged, going on mri scan, being told that i have a tumor, resigning, carrying a newborn girl, buying a christening gown for her, saying lots of farewells, moving out, and a lot of other moments. they brought tears, joy, hapiness, sadness, a stab of pain, fear, and unexplained feelings. they brought love and comforts from the friends. they brought me to experience life.

and the next time i write will be from another city. another life.

when a godmom is born

today my best friend gave birth to a baby girl. the happy woman and her husband are still in the hospital, recuperating. i had the honor of being the child's godmother. to be happy is an understatement. i am joyful, elated, excited, impressed, awed, i don't even know how to describe my feelings. can't wait to see the new girl, the princess that everyone is waiting for.

looking back into my own childhood, i grew up reading tales with princesses and their fairy godmother. i was always happy and mesmerized whenever the godmother popped out of nowhere and came to the rescue of the princess.

today, i became one of the godmothers.

i don't know what kind of role that i'll have in the life of the child. i prayed to god that i can be really like the godmom in the stories. protecting and loving her and popping out helping at the right time.

today, the day when the princess is born, a godmother is born.

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
- Leann Rimes

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
And I don't borrow from its sunshine
'Cause the skies might turn to grey.
And I don't worry about the future,
'Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I'm gonna walk right beside him
'Cause he's the one who knows what is ahead.
There are things about tomorrow
That I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds are silver lined.
And, over there the sun is always shining
And no tears will ever dim the eye
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.
There are many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Yes I know who holds my hand.

looking at the world upside down

my flatmate, my youngest sister, and i went for reversed bungy jumping this afternoon.

and we screamed while looking at the world upside down. :)

anxiety attack

my hands are cold. my mind is scrambled. i could not do my work properly.

i think i'm having an anxiety attack.

the first of july. the first day of the month where the changes begin.

i will stop working in two weeks time and i will pack up all of my things and ship them home in three weeks time. by end of this month, i will be unemployed and homeless in singapore.

sometimes, i can no longer think about the wedding, the preparation, and the happiness. i will be scared. and fear will start to freeze me. i cannot even think of what are the things that trigger the fear.

funny how your body responds to the state of your mind.

okay. i'd better do something else to distract myself.